No. 9-2-11/ Ab ke baras bhej bhaiya ko babul
It has been decided to celebrate the festival of Raksha Bandhan on 7th August 2017. All offices shall remain open and all the lady staff shall tie rakhis to all male colleagues.
Attendance sheet to reach my office by 5 pm.
Note to Mrs S: No, male colleagues may not tie rakhi to you even though you are taller than everyone and a black belt in karate. This is a cultural expectation, not a logical ritual.
Yes, you can screen Dangal movie after office hours for those who would like to stay. Please arrange to pay the peon overtime from your own pocket.
Please see me in my office about the proposed lunch time meeting on gender equality. Come after office hours.
No. 420-17/ Utha Rashtraveer Ho
It has been decided that henceforth at all lunch meetings only pure vegetarian food will be served and only gomutra will be available as drink. Attendance will be compulsory.
Mrs S: Please bring note from your family physician regarding your allergy to gomutra and bullshit as you have indicated in your email.
No 69/ Cows’R’Us
It has been decided that all staff will participate in the protest rally against beef consumption.
Gau Rakshak T shirts will be distributed to wear at the rally.
No. 377 Urgent MEMO
Mr K Mahalingam please see me immediately for faulty auto correct on the T shirts used in the rally which said “We are Gay Rakshaks. We stand untied.”
No. 47/ Sare Jahan Se Accha
It has been decided that morning staff meetings will begin with standing up for the national anthem.
We need to be more patriotic and more nationalistic.
Note to Mrs S: No, this will not reduce the number of children dying due to malnutrition. No, it will not reduce violence against women. What is the connection with patriotism ??
No. 88/ BC Sab Ulta Pulta Hai
It has been decided that all staff will perform yogasanas for 20 minutes in the lunch break. CCTVs will be recording for attendance.
The library has been cleared for this since no one was reading the books and journals anyway.
No 666/ Ours not to question why
Please remove chappals when bowing to the Enormous Photo of the Great Leader inside the front door.
Actually, stop wearing chappals since they are probably made of cow leather. Also don’t wear shoes made in China.
Note: HR manager please see me regarding appropriate footwear choices
Note to Mrs S: Yes it is a very large photo to accommodate his chest size. Yes. Size matters.
No 345/Pyar mein thoda maar diya to kya hua
Mrs Sharma will not be able to come to office today. Apparently she walked into the door.
Since the sexual harassment committee must have at least one woman on it and she is the one, the meeting will be postponed to next Thursday.
http://allaboutwomen.org/2013/10/23/5944/” I walked into a door”
No 420 B/ Ghar aya mera pardesi
Tomorrow is the welcome back party for Mr Sharma who was exonerated of all charges and released from jail for the alleged pornography material possession.
His lawyers were able to prove that it was a foreign hand and not his in the videos.
Note to Mrs. S: Did you send everyone that audio file singing “this hand is my hand, this hand is your hand, from Kanyakumari to Mumbai Island ?”
No. 555/ Bachao betis from whom
The photo of Asa Holey Baba is being temporarily removed from the main corridor since the “Beti Bachao Andolan” NGO visit is expected today.
Mr Patil please replace with the Gandhi portrait from the godown.
Note to Mrs S: Yes, we mean Mahatma Gandhi and not Sonia Gandhi. No, this will only be a temporary replacement. No, we will not put up a photo of Arundhati Roy instead.
No 627/Dahej Nished Diwas
Mr Bhatt will be on earned leave for the next two weeks for the wedding of his daughter. Although his monthly salary is 10,000 Rs his loan request for 5 lakhs has been approved for the wedding expenses and he has signed a bond to work without any salary for the next 50 years.
No. 700/Raja Ram Mohan Roy anniversary
Everyone is invited to Mr Hari Singhs’ house for Rani Sati puja.
Note to Mrs S: please note that these are our deep and ancient cultural rituals which we should respect. This is not in any way a glorification of sati so please stop sending Mr Singh emails asking if his wife will burn on his funeral pyre.
No. 1098/Children of God
We send our deepest condolences to Mr Jain whose daughter Ayushi dies after a prolonged fast of 20 days. May her soul rest in peace. God always calls the good ones first.
Note to Mrs. S: please desist from putting up newspaper articles of child abuse outside Mr Jain’s office.
No 444/Tum mujhe khoon do
Dr D on our corporate panel has confirmed that due to some internal mental problems (he called it diurnal rhythm) women working or living together can experience their menstrual cycle at the same time.
Hence tomorrow all ladies staff will be on menstrual leave.
On another note, the seminar on the dignity and privacy of individuals will have to be postponed as a result.
Note to Mrs S: Please explain what is this Kamakhya Devi whose temple all of you went to instead of taking rest during this fragile day?
No 666/Razor’s Edge
We would like to apologize for putting up on the notice board the letter Mr V received about his vasectomy follow up.
Henceforth all letters marked private will be opened only by the Secretary to CEO and not by the front desk staff.
The seminar on privacy has again been postponed since he was in charge and he has been sent for anger management class.
Mrs S: Was it you who has been scribbling ‘ironic’ and ‘LOL’ over this circular ??
No. 23/It’s because we care
All unmarried employees will undergo a two finger virginity test every month to ensure that our cultural values are being protected.
It also gives a baseline for rape allegations against office or field staff.
Thanks you Mrs S for pointing out that the memo should have said female employees and for your suggestions on where would we could put the two fingers for the male employees.
And no the government is not of the people for the people.
I know you voted .
You showed me your finger also.
HAHAHAHA Mrs.S the joke is on you.