Can I have Infinity Wars in 5 D?

So I saw it and all I can do is rant. In bullet points. No time for full sentences.

1st question –WHY?!

2nd observation made with extreme annoyance. Every single woman/ female character in it was de-humanized in a series of ways. Almost everyone but whatever. They took Karen Gillian who was gorgeous and feisty and superb in Doctor Who and made her into a blue robotic thing who was suspended face down for most of the movie. And at some point was peeled like making zoodles.

One of the other women was green. One looked South East Asian and had antennae and spoke like a child. The two Caucasian women looked like themselves but although they were powerful they were clearly not the most strategic.

The only ones who were still badass in their blink and miss screen time were the two fabulous ladies from Wakanda.

Avengers-Infinity-War-may-not-feature-this-Guardians-star-872854

Which brings me to the fact that for once we have this fabulous superhero world populated only by black people and they bring in a random white person who is hanging around with one arm.

And then he and Thor eventually become more of the saviours than the actual warriors of Wakanda. Come on ya.

wakanda

The one armed guy and Thor both have disabilities —one missing eye and one missing arm. So of course they have to be fixed before they can be useful.

They take Tyrion who is the only dwarf to have ever had a mainstream role in living memory in GoT and they make him into a frigging GIANT dwarf. WTF.

dwarf

I saw the end credits and realize that Idris Elba was apparently in the movie. Hahaha. He died in the first minute. Worst use of Idris Elba I can imagine. Seriously?! Are they crazy??!

And what exactly does Chris Pratt’s character do in the entire series ? Besides playing the ‘I am such a cute white boy and you love even when I am naughty and break all the rules and make bad judgement calls??’

So feminism, inclusiveness, race, disability –everything is all wrong.

The only funny thing , which was probably un-intentional, was the Hulk who could not ‘get it up’ so to speak. Was it a side eye to erectile dysfunction??! Haha.

The end credit rolled on and I noticed that almost 25% names were Indian. Seriously. I saw a Dnyaneshwar, Shefali, Pramod, the lot. How many Indian faces were on screen? ZERO.

The weird chamak challo step that Doctor Strange does to open up portals and whiz those green chakras around, well Wong also does. So why is Wong not a superhero but just a librarian side kick ?? The white man’s burden.

wong

If Strange had the Time Stone all long, why didn’t he go back in time and make sure Thanos was not born? Why was he doing lotus position mumbo jumbo and stupidly getting caught and having his ass kicked and then pixelating into the ether?!

The goat face lackey of Thanos is already so freaking powerful that why do they even need anything any more??

Turns out at the end of the day what Thanos wants is to kill half the population of the universe so the others can live comfortably.

Hello? So the population policy of India and China is the actual villain of the Infinity Wars?!

Who would have thought…….

Now for the 4 D experience. The chair shook a bit randomly at times, like a temperamental massage chair. Sometimes there were gusts of air. Fortunately there was no water spraying and certainly no bubbles. It was all a bit underwhelming honestly, given the cost of the ticket and the fact that they told us to come 20 minutes early to ‘settle in’ and when we came the hall was closed for cleaning in progress. They took half an hour to clean making us speculate if there had been some limbs lost and blood on the dance floor.

After it was over I realized that for desis especially Mumbaikers who travel by local train or even on our lovely potholed roads on a regular basis, the 4 D experience was just like trying to watch a YouTube video during a regular commute. ‘

What we really need is a 5 D experience. We would prefer to have every seat to have a personal attendant. Who will feed us, hold the cup , get popcorn refills, turn the phone to silent, check it every fifteen minutes for urgent calls, take the kids to the loo and get the neighbouring kid to shut up or get lost, and then who will massage our legs during the interval. Maybe the attendant can also get us some Facetime with Benedict Cumberbatch?

I think I need to get my idea to Reliance entertainment asap.

Unless of course since I spoke to my daughter about it on WhatsApp, Mark already has something in the works……….

 

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